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Dr. Laura Schlessinger

While this book stands on its own in inviting and guiding women to maximize their inherent potential for transforming their men and their marriages into experiences of joy and satisfaction, it is also a response to the many questions from both husbands and wives, generated by its “sister book,” The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

In that book I pointed out that, as Cathy Young wrote in her review of it in the Boston Globe, “In the age of feminism . . . we have paid a lot of attention to women’s complaints about men and criticized men for not meeting women’s needs—but we’ve forgotten that men too have needs and women too have faults. Somehow, we’ve even developed the notion that a woman who seeks to meet her husband’s needs is subservient (but a husband who fails to meet his wife’s needs is a pig). . . .

“Part of the problem is that feminism . . . offers very little by way of an alternative. Too often (Schlessinger is right about that), it has promoted anger, rancor, and male-blaming instead of equal partnership. The majority of women do want loving relationships with men.”

Amen to that! I have found it fascinating that most women are really not all that aware of how dismissive they are toward their husbands and their husbands’ needs. That mentality has become so commonplace in our culture that most women don’t register it as unkind, thoughtless, cruel, abusive, or downright mean. But it can be. The almost-universally positive response from women who have actually read the book has been immensely gratifying to me. Instead of a knee-jerk defensiveness based on the mistaken notion that they are being blamed for all the world’s ills, women have embraced the concept I have offered them: that, as women they have the power to transform their men, their marriages, their homes, and their lives into a more positive, rewarding experience.

Here is one all-too-typical example of a wife not understanding her power. I recently took an interesting call from a second-marriage mother and her eighteen-year-old daughter. The daughter felt helpless to deal with her mother’s overt jealousy and resentment that her new husband of three years was paying more kind attention to the daughter than the mother.

Of course, I immediately pursued the possibility that this guy was hitting on the daughter. Nope. I checked with the mother to find out if the daughter was being seductive with the stepfather. Nope. I then asked the daughter to hang up the phone, promising her that her mom and I would deal with it.

I admonished the mom for putting her daughter in the middle of her own marital problems. Then we got into some details. The mom had three complaints: that he was cheerful when the daughter called him at work but short-shrifty when she called him; that he was cheerful with the daughter when he walked through the door at the end of the day but did not have that same greeting for her; that he was cheerful when the daughter requested a favor but ­wouldn’t do what she asked of him no matter how often she nagged about it.

“My dear,” I queried, “when you call your husband at work is it to whisper sweet nothings or naughties into his ear? Or is it to whine or nag him about something?”

The latter.

“When your husband comes home, do you greet him at the door with a cheery ‘Hi honey, glad ­you’re home, kiss, kiss’?”

Nope.

“When you ask him to do something for you, do you pick it apart afterwards or show gratitude?”

The former.

“Then what do you expect from him with all this negative training? I just want to know what happened to catching flies with honey?”

I explained to her that when the daughter called him, greeted him, appreciated him, it was a more positive experience than when she, the wife, engaged him. Simple as that. This goes along with part of my thesis, that men are simple—not simpletons—but simple in their needs—i.e., not complex. They need appreciation, approval, and affection from their woman; and when they get that, they will, as I’ve said many times on my radio program, swim through shark-infested water to bring us lemonade.

Women wield more power in man-woman relationships. Men are born of women, raised by women, and come to women for their bonding and mating. Throughout their whole lives, women are central to men’s emotional well-being. I don’t think we can come up with one story about a man committing suicide over the breakup with a golf buddy. We all are aware of the devastation that can be wrought by a man’s frustration when he is not loved, admired, appreciated, and embraced by his woman. That hurt, rejection, or loss can virtually end his motivation for life. Most men live to serve their wives and children—their families. When they are not made to feel that they are appreciated for those efforts, they become hurt, lost, lonely, and not very cooperative.

Within only two weeks of the publication of The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, I received a letter from a six-foot-four, two-hundred-and-fifteen-pound police officer. It was painful to read, but I shared it on my radio program. The response to it from all across the United States and Canada was amazing. Why? This big, masculine, powerful, accomplished guy was turning into depressive mush because his wife never seemed to be proud of, or happy with, him. This letter registered with men and women alike. Men from all walks of life identified with his pain. They, too, in spite of loving their wives, were starting to imagine a life without them.

The women identified, in whatever small or large part, with his wife—and were overwhelmed with sadness and regret. All during the two weeks after this reading, hundreds of wives wrote to me that, after having a good cry, they all contacted their husbands at work and told them that they loved them and were proud of them. They all also reported that their husbands seemed transformed into happier human beings, offering to help with this and that without being asked!

Simple. Took five minutes . . . tops.

I have never been asked for more copies of anything else I have read on this program in thirty years! That letter triggered hundreds of letters from women who did what Jeanah, one of my listeners, did within minutes of hearing me read Robert’s letter. She faxed me this:

“I feel that a ‘thank you’ is not enough to say to you and the gentleman who wrote the letter you just read. I fear that I am one of those women.

“I have been sitting at my desk listening on my headphones in my regular working stupor. That letter stopped me dead in my tracks.

“I just ordered a bouquet of flowers and chocolate to be delivered to my husband at work. The card reads, ‘I am proud to have you as my husband.’

“I’m leaving for the rest of the day, to buy something sheer and frilly. When he comes home, I’ll be on the bed, wearing not much, holding grapes and a cheese ball. I’ll keep the remaining details to myself.

“See you on the happier side of marriage.”

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands gave articulation to the pain that men feel when the woman for whom they are willing to do anything does not idolize them. It is not that most women or wives are mean. It is that women have not been encouraged to understand and appreciate men and masculinity. Women have been trained to see men as “the evil empire” and to perceive giving as subjugation. Sad.

Unfortunately, there were also letters from men whose wives refused to read the book. That very refusal was experienced as a personal rejection of the men who wondered aloud why she ­wouldn’t want to know more about their feelings and needs. Dave, a listener, wrote:

“My wife has seen me reading it and knows about the book, but she has not asked me anything about it. I don’t know if this is because she ­doesn’t want to look in the mirror or if it is the typical disinterest in what I am doing. I am sure many men have this same question. Since the hope is to improve the situation, you don’t want to appear as though you are making a threat or giving an ultimatum. But you also want to make it clear that you identify with the men and situations in the book.”

I ­hadn’t quite anticipated how this book would resonate with men and how they would embrace it. There is so little in our culture that respects men and masculine thought, feeling, and behavior. I suppose that, to some extent, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands filled that vacuum. Still, it is sad to imagine men who are actually frightened about the potential backlash from their wives when they present them with that book.

David, a listener, wrote:

“I bought The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands because I wanted to read it myself just to see if I had unrealistic expectations of my wife of seventeen years. I spent several hours reading the book cover-to-cover several times and was amazed to see virtually every page was dead-on on some aspect of my marriage. I am going to try to get my wife to read it.

“It is unreal what simple creatures men really are. If I could just get that little bit of physical love from my wife, I would absolutely be her slave. I have told her this many times and it is just so much water off a duck’s back. I work sometimes twelve to fourteen hours a day to provide the income necessary for our family to live with some degree of comfort. And all I ask from my wife is fifteen minutes a couple of days a week (which I never get). She ­doesn’t seem to understand what damage is done by this lack of attention. I have tried to explain it to her with no success. If I can get her to read the book, I am sure that your words will help ease the frustration and pain.”

I can appreciate the defensiveness many basically decent women might feel when handed the book by their husbands. It is uncomfortable to be confronted with the knowledge that one has been rather insensitive or self-centered. However, there must also be the relief that comes with (a) knowing the problem and (b) knowing that YOU have the power to change most everything for the better.

Valerie’s letter expresses this sentiment beautifully:

“OK, I give in. I’ve been thinking about reading your book for a while now, but I kept thinking, ‘But what if he still ­doesn’t help me out if I do all this attitude change for him?’ It seemed so unfair!

“Well, I was listening to your interview on KSFO this morning. You were talking about a big, burly policeman who felt bad because his wife never said she was proud of him. You said that, after you had read his letter on your show, a bunch of wives called their husbands to say just that, that they were proud of them. You also talked about how moody women are. You said all this after I totally went emotional, moody, and loony on my husband last night. I ­won’t even tell you what it was about, it’s just that embarrassing to me now.

“So, I called my husband after that and said, ‘I realize how nutty I was being last night, and I’m really sorry. Thank you for being such a good husband.’

“He then said, ‘I respect you more than I respect myself, I’d kill for you, your life means more to me than my own.’

“I still tear up when I think about that. Talk about my emotional needs being met! I have suddenly forgotten what housework I wanted him to do. He just made me feel like the only woman on earth today. I am sooo off to the bookstore today to buy your book. If saying something that ‘small’ to my husband encouraged him to say something so ‘big,’ you must know what ­you’re talking about.”

Simple. Five minutes . . . tops.

And ladies, don’t wait until it’s too late.

A listener from Yucaipa, California, wrote:

“I’m sitting here crying after hearing the caller with two young children and a husband who is not ‘happy’ for no reason other than his age. I, too, was not satisfied with a man who was kind, gentle, handsome, hard worker, trying to make me happy. He was a great father and he worked at the job he loved.

“I thought I should have more attention, he should have a better job (we covered the bills, but not a lot extra), and that I could find a man who was better if I wanted.

“I ­didn’t tell him I appreciated all he did and all he was.

“Today, a year after he died at forty-nine of cancer, I cry for all my son and I have lost. Today I would tell him how much I loved, needed, appreciated him, twenty times a day if it would make him happy. I know that he was the greatest guy in the world.

“I wish with all my heart that I had a second chance; that your book and words of wisdom came sooner rather than too late.”

And now the second form of too late—which is only sometimes fixable.

A man from North Carolina wrote:

“I am writing today to give the other side to this wonderful new trend caused by your new book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I am a husband who has now been separated for over a year. During the two years of my marriage, my wife would refer to me as stupid or pathetic, or say that she should have married someone else. I would tell her how much that hurt me, and she would say that I was a baby and that I was not a strong enough man if I could not take her words and occasional slaps.

“I remember feeling worthless and useless most of the time. I never did get her to understand what that did to me. I eventually became afraid to tell her anything that I was feeling. The hardest thing that I ever did was to tell her to leave. Men love to feel as though they can protect their wives from the dragons of the world. But I have learned that my wife had more power to destroy me than anything else I could have faced. For my marriage, your book is too late.”

It is dispiriting to report that I’ve gotten many letters like this one from men who are defeated, destroyed, and demoralized simply by not feeling cared about by their wives. Another husband wrote:

“The total sense of rejection that accumulated over time as a husband, father, friend, and lover—I could do nothing right—affected every part of my life, including, ultimately, my ability to provide financially for her and our four children. After our fourth child was born (she wanted a fourth), she slowly pushed me aside sexually over the next four years. At the point when we had had no physical contact whatsoever for two months, I told her how rejected I was feeling and that I was having a hard time concentrating at work because of it. Her reply was a snapping, ‘Get used to it!’ Tears came to my eyes. I asked her for quiet time together on the sofa to talk and hold hands. Her reply was, as she walked away, ‘I haven’t got time for that.’”

And don’t think that the psychotherapeutic environment has been any less hostile to husbands. Generally, psychotherapists are ideologically liberal, drenched in the feminist anti-male mentality which is propagandized in most of their training programs. Therefore, when husbands push for marital counseling, hoping the therapist will help them reach their wives, they too often find themselves with cannons to the right of them, cannons to the left of them.

The following excerpt represents all too typical experiences for men in couples’ counseling:

“After finishing [The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands], I begged my wife to read it. She reluctantly agreed.

“After reading [it] my wife looked at me with scorn. She asked how could I ever give her anything that questioned her as a wife and that I was completely insensitive. I explained that it was not meant to be perceived negatively, but rather just to give her a view of how men see relationships. She immediately said, ‘We are going to couples’ therapy!’

“A week later I found myself in front of a therapist who chastised me for wanting simple things like a hug, kiss, an ‘I love you,’ and god forbid . . . sex. The therapist said my wife had no obligation to give me these things, and my demanding them was a source of control in which I intended to strip her of her power.

“I could not believe it! Then came the stake in the heart. My wife told the therapist that I actually had the nerve to give her your book to teach her how to be a good wife. The therapist immediately rolled her eyes and said, ‘That book has made women think they should submit to their husbands and take on a subservient role. I would toss it in the fireplace.’

“I write you this letter not only to vent, but also to warn your readers about the resistance they may face with some therapists and counselors. Make sure your therapist wants to encourage a healthy partnership for you and your spouse, and not just spread the common belief that the woman is always the victim.”

Men are starting to come out of the closet and admit that they are hurt and angry and don’t want to take it anymore. Tim, a reader, called my radio program asking me what he should do with his anger toward women, an anger crystallized by reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands!

He said, “I’ve just been reading your book and it’s brought up a lot of anger in me and I just don’t know how to deal with that. I walked out on my nine-year marriage some four years ago. The women in your book are just like my ex-wife. And it’s just brought back nightmares. I fell in love with my wife when I first met her and it was the happiest day of my life. And by the time I walked out the door, I was just like an empty shell of a man. And, it’s as if she had ripped every bit of manhood away from me by the time it was over. I’m very jaded, very cynical, I guess, towards women now. I don’t know what to do with that anger.”

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands has validated the perspectives and feelings of a lot of husbands who, frankly, have felt disdained, mistreated, or even psychologically and emotionally abused by their wives. I do tell them, however, that holding onto that anger is poisonous to their well-being and life satisfaction, and they should take note of the kind of personality and mind-set they would prefer in their future relationships. (I recommend my Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives.)

It's obvious that we women wield tremendous power over our relationships with our men. It's obvious that our men can be motivated to greatness in and out of the home with the smallest words and gesturs of love, admiration, and support from us, their wives. It is also obvious that what we have the power to give we have the power to take away. We should not take that power lightly. We should not take the needs of our men lightly.

Perhaps one of the most compelling letters that deals with this issue of what a husband really needs came recently from an ex-prostitute. Wow! What a perspective. Melissa wrote that she stripped by day and sold her body at night from the age of sixteen.

“There is a misconception that all hookers are on street corners and that all ‘johns’ are degenerate, perverted, dirty old men looking to indulge in sick acts that their prim and proper wives at home ­won’t do. Though this is the case sometimes, I am compelled to tell you another side.

“The majority of my clients were married, but the truth is that at least 90 percent of them NEVER TOUCHED ME. They would pay me to do acts their wives ­wouldn’t do . . . but it was things like LISTEN, fix them a drink, light their cigarettes, and stroke their egos . . . pay attention to them and make them feel good—but I’m not talking sexually.

“You would be shocked at how little actual sex I had with clients, and I’m including Clinton’s definition of sex as well. These men had to pay money to get from someone else what they ­weren’t getting at home. I always thought how incredibly sad they were, and even though they were married, how alone they always came across.”

Imagine. The men were going to a prostitute to get what they ­weren’t getting at home: attention, approval, appreciation, and affection. Sex was incidental. The men’s true needs were met by a woman paid to just listen and be kind.

As Bob, a listener, summarized:

“Dr. Laura, keep on spreading the word about men’s feelings, and the simple needs we have. As much as women crave to be ‘Queen Bee’ in the home, husbands need to be treated as something special, too . . . before it is too late!”

None of this is meant to condemn or blame women for all the ills of the world and the home. All of this is meant to affirm that women have almost magical powers to create the atmosphere in their homes in which their own joy and plea­sure, as well as that of their husband and children, flourish. And it ­isn’t complicated—although difficult at first to break old habits and be vulnerable. No tools or assembly required. Just a look of the eye, the tone of a voice, the touch of a hand.

Simple. A few minutes each day . . . tops.

—Dr. Laura Schlessinger
February 2003