Homebodies
Experts > Humor
Mommy
to the Max
Taking
the fam on a long weekend? Touring Europe with an entourage? Either
way, you need to know how to recognize these common critters and
survive their behavior in the harshest of conditions: the family
vacation.
Sticky-Faced
Toddler: Having shed its protective shell (also known as a “car
seat”), this fearless creature gravitates toward strangers,
reptiles, fireworks, waterfalls and dirt-covered Popsicles. Oblivious
to personal hygiene, the Sticky-Faced Toddler violently resists
maternal attempts at grooming. Prefers to sleep while the family
vehicle is in motion. Awakes fully refreshed and raring for fun
just as the exhausted parents stop for a night’s lodging.
Only its extreme and innate cuteness spares it from extinction.
Gung-Ho
Gradeschooler: Everything is an adventure for this creature,
from choosing just the right snack from a gas station vending machine
to choosing just the right snack from a Smithsonian Institute vending
machine. Easily influenced by marketing appeals, it will beg-beg-beg-beg-beg
to visit every roadside attraction and purchase a minimum of $78
in each respective gift shop. Regardless of exotic locales or world-famous
cuisine, prefers familiar fast-food meals. Does not understand parental
logic of resting for an hour before swimming or showering afterward.
Appeased by permission to jump on hotel beds.
Sulking
Wired Teen: Prefers solitude and thus resists traveling with
the herd. Seeks to avoid detection via camouflage of headphones,
sunglasses and negative facial expressions. Seldom talkative, it
will appear regularly at mealtime. Can be coaxed into the open by
the sound of a parent’s opening wallet. If immersed in a fun
and relaxed environment, will sometimes unknowingly revert to being
pleasant and sweet natured. Upon realization of familial cohesiveness,
resumes sulking.
Warbling
Age-Spotted Elder: Commonly heard driving from the back seat
of the family vehicle, the Warbling Age-Spotted Elder reads every
exit sign, bumper sticker and billboard aloud. Complains about traffic,
noise, weather, children, adults, cities, nature, health, government,
taxes, restaurant prices, hotel prices, amusement prices, souvenir
prices, and postponing the evening meal until after 4:00 p.m.
Silver-Haired
Saint: A treasure to behold because of its rarity. Known for
calmness, wisdom and soft-heartedness. Enjoys life to the full;
goes with the flow; instinctively and patiently nurtures relationships
with other family members, regardless of their age or temperament.
Is known to be the saving grace for many a harried parent or overstimulated
child. Responds well to regular and sincere appreciation.
Uncompassed,
Empty-Pocketed Male Driver: Easily recognized by it’s
chilling refrain to its mate (“I don’t care what the
map says”), this specimen is also known for its vise-like
steering wheel grip, lead foot and sunburned nose. The carefully
constructed travel budget it built before leaving the nest at dawn
is in shambles before dark. This induces the “ATM Dance of
Anger” which is stomped out at 100-mile intervals. Its hunting
instinct is wonderfully displayed, however, upon spotting rustic
trail signs such as, “Putt ‘n Hunt Sportsman’s
Paradise,” or “Bubba’s 24-Hour-All-You-Can-Eat
BBQ Trough.”
Maxed-Out
Mommy: Look in mirror.
BIO:
Debi Stack is a humorous speaker and author of the self-help book
for maxed-out women, Martha to the Max: Balanced Living for Perfectionists
(Moody Press). Columns are not book excerpts. Copyright 2003 Debi
Stack. Visit www.maxedout.net
Debi
Stack’s humorous book for stressed-out women, Martha to the
Max: Balanced Living for Perfectionists, is in multiple printings
and translations. Visit Debi’s Web site at www.maxedout.net. Copyright
2003 Debi Stack. These columns are not book excerpts.
Write Debi at mommy@maxedout.net.
You can purchase Martha to the Max (Moody Press, August 2000)
at Amazon.com
, or directly from Debi's website.
Column copyright 2002 Debi Stack.
All rights reserved.
|
