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So You Want to Be a Stay-at-Home Mom Chapter
One It was a Monday like any other Monday, except this time I arrived at work at 8:00 a.m. sharp with a humidifier, three bottles of medicine and a pillow. "I'm okay," I gasped, waving away well-wishers who were maintaining their distance anyway. Plugging in the humidifier, I hoisted it to the top of the filing cabinet, pushing my daughters' picture aside. A low whirring soon filled the cubicle with throat-soothing moist air. The first of my Type A bosses peeked over the partition. "Great to have you back!" he boomed, dropping another folder in my burgeoning in-box, then disappearing to crank out more. In no time at all, it was 8:15 a.m. and I was exhausted. But I'd missed too many days already and, fever or not, there was work to be done. By Wednesday, my desk was at least back to par. I was even breathing normally, as long as I sat very still. Then the dreaded "Call from Daycare on Line One" blew my business boat out of the water. Suspicious red spots on my two-year-old, Carrie, were adding panic to another working mom's day. "You'll have to come get her NOW," the daycare director ordered. Taking as deep a breath as I could…cough, hack…I wobbled to my supervisor's office. "What about another babysitter?" he charged. "They don't want their children exposed to the chicken pox, either." "Well, can't you get a relative to take care of her?" he persisted. "All my relatives work." He was missing the point. My baby was sick and she needed her mommy. That's me. Period. "Besides, I understand chicken pox only lasts three or four days. I'll be back on Monday." It wasn't like I didn't have any days coming to me, although I was learning that in a working mom's life, the "vacation" days mentioned in my benefits packet actually referred to "sick child" days. The next Monday was a Monday like any other, except Carrie had new spots. The daycare wouldn't take her. With my own case of chicken fever, I left a message with the receptionist. My normally level-headed boss hit the ceiling, I wore out a box of tissues, and my husband, Terry, swore he'd swing things so I could come home with the kids, even if it took us two years to dig out of debt. "I want you to make up a budget and see what we have to do to get you home." Terry's determined voice calmed me as I dabbed my swollen eyes with a cool cloth. Encouraged, I dug through our drawers, pulling together receipts, bills and pay stubs. Pretty soon our kitchen table looked a lot like my desk at work, with piles of paper covering its surface. But this time, I was working for a different corporation, a private entity comprised of two parents and their children. The Stay-at-Home Dream House The idea of my becoming a stay-at-home mom was not a new one, but it had always seemed beyond our reach. Whenever I'd float the concept to Terry, it was usually in a dreamy context, sort of a "wish upon a star" kind of conversation. You know…those heads lying on the pillow after the kids are in bed, soul-sharing talks where you and your husband discuss what you'd like to be when you grow up. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. Terry wanted our family to be able to eat. The two concepts did not seem to go together, since neither of us was heir to a fortune that would allow us to live on one income. We'd never looked closely at our finances, but we were barely making it with both of us working, so it was reasonable to assume we'd go under if I quit. So my dream remained just that, until I was placed in the position of having to choose between the files on my desk and the baby in my crib. Something primal fired inside Terry, and the hesitation he'd felt over shouldering total financial responsibility for his family disappeared. Homebodies in the Workforce Recent statistics reveal that in 73% of married-couple families with children, both parents work. According to government data, 55% of mothers with children under one year old and 62% with children under six were in the labor force. But how many of them really wanted to be there? Now that workplaces of all types are becoming more accessible and glass ceilings are shattering in record numbers, opportunities for women are booming. This is a positive trend for ambitious females thrilled with the challenge of climbing corporate ladders. Within the same arena, though, there are strong-minded, capable working mothers who wish they weren't. Believing staying at home is not an option for them, these women are nevertheless committed to making the best of their second-choice situation. They do their jobs well, and are valued by their employers as productive members of the team. That's why they're missed when the pesky childcare situation interferes with their work. A Calculated Surprise "This can't be right." Pulling the calculator closer, I went over the figures again. The result was the same. After subtracting my car payment, daycare for Carrie and her big sister, Karen, taxes and fast-food lunches, I was clearing $39 a week. It seemed crazy, but it was true. In exchange for less than a dollar an hour, I was sacrificing the dream of raising the girls myself. Excitedly, I paged Terry at work. "Can you pick up an extra $39 a week in overtime?" I asked. "Sure!" And with that affirmation, I was on my way to becoming a stay-at-home mom. There was a car to be sold and a boss to be told, then my dream would lie within my grasp. The Road Less Traveled Since I've started down this interesting new path, I've discovered the benefits of becoming a stay-at-home mom stretch across the whole spectrum of family life. There's opportunity for more personal attention to my spouse and children, with the improved chance of truly ministering to those closest to me. There's the more relaxed pace that has transformed my home into a haven for me and my family. I can set my schedule so I get off work when my husband does, and we can enjoy the evening together without tossing in loads of laundry or vacuuming. There's the excitement of being first on the scene at momentous occasions in my children's lives, instead of finding myself viewing events secondhandedly through a sitter's eyes. There's the relief of working competently and happily at one job, instead of juggling two full-time careers -- one inside the home and one out -- and failing to gain satisfaction from either demanding position. One of the first benefits I appreciated after becoming a stay-at-home mom was the freedom to treat a sick child without going through a committee vote. Which parent will miss work? Whose boss is more understanding? And -- I admit this shamefully -- if we give her some Tylenol, will her temperature go down, and stay down, so she can stay in daycare until after my 11:00 a.m. meeting? These questions are now moot. No longer does a warm forehead in our household signal ominous overtones for more than the ailing child. There's no need for apologetic phone calls to coworkers and department heads after a nervous check of dwindling vacation days, setting my own head pounding in the process. Instead, I now quietly ease open the bedroom door where my little one snoozes, passed out from a double-whammy of antihistamines and decongestants. She sleeps peacefully, knowing Mommy is nearby, armed with backrubs and cool washclothes. Later, we have a date to color and whisper to Barbies. Even on sickdays, I love being a stay-at-home mom. There are health benefits for mothers, too. How I wish I had been home when I was throwing up every day the first five months of my second pregnancy! Instead, I hugged a public toilet while co-workers shook their heads in sympathy. I got to know the breakroom couch intimately, clutching its scratchy tweed and silently begging for my own mommy during each ten-minute break and lunch hour. After the baby came, I napped on that same couch during breaks, recuperating from marathon colic sessions the night before. It would have been heavenly to be a stay-at-home mom then, sleeping when the baby slept, and on my own bed. But I didn't know it was an option. I'd never done the math. Discovering Your True Wage In my case, the net gain from my putting in 40 hours a week, plus travel time, was only $39. After calculating your own situation, you will most likely arrive at a figure higher or lower. It doesn’t matter whether your salary is $15,000 or $50,000 a year. The bottom line is what you’re looking for here. After deducting expenses connected with working outside the home everyday, how much are you clearing? Is it worth it? In Chapters 3 ("Setting Up a Business Plan") and 8 ("Life on a Budget"), we'll take a look at some pointers for sorting through bills and paychecks and planning financially for your own proposed jump to home. I don't advocate women quitting their jobs on the spot because their toddler called someone else "Mommy". When things like that happen to working mothers who wish they could be home anyway, it is devastating. But financial suicide helps no one. We're smart women; let's be smart as we plan our new at-home careers. If you're a working mother who has already decided you don't want to work full-time any more, but you aren't sure exactly how to accomplish that goal, this is your book. By the time you finish reading it, you will be much closer to your target, and may even discover the final block fitting into that new stay-at-home dream house you're building. If you're a mom who works and likes it that way, don't misinterpret me as an author seeking to set women's rights back 20 years. This is an empowerment book, not a divisive discourse. A mother should be free to choose whether she wants to work outside the home, stay home full-time with her kids, or find a balance between the two worlds which best fits her family's needs. Perhaps you’re wavering, conscious of and thankful for various options, but still unsure which choice is right for you. So You Want to Be a Stay-at-Home Mom will explore the intricate financial, emotional and spiritual aspects of coming home full-time or part-time, and provide information you need to decide. I See That Hand Many women already intuitively know the pluses of leaving the workplace and concentrating their efforts on the homefront. But they've worked hard to get where they are in their careers, and although they may want to put family at the top of their list of priorities, they can have a lot of questions before they make that jump. Usually, books written on being a stay-at-home mom focus on the positive benefits to our children. But there's no guilt in a woman also asking, "What about me?" In fact, it's a conscientious mother who checks out all the options before she makes the jump from work to home. Here are some of the issues we'll be examining in So You Want To Be a Stay-at-Home Mom: - If I was going to be an at-home mom, why did I go to college? - How do I get my husband's support? What about his mother? - How do I tell my boss and deal with jealous co-workers? - What if I want to resume my career when my children are older? - How can I maintain my business contacts, while focusing on my family? - Can my family thrive on a one-income budget? - Are there any special skills I need? - What will I do all day? - How can I use this time at home to encourage my children spiritually? - How can I spark creativity in my children, while nurturing my own personal interests? - Where can I link up with other moms who are also at home? - What can I do to develop confidence as an at-home mom, stay motivated and avoid burnout? Even if a woman suspects the worst day at home has got to beat the best day at the office, she should be sure to do her homework before she marches up to her boss's desk and resigns. Let no one interpret this book as a call to indiscriminately throw away professional gains in the heat of maternal passions. Instead, a woman should approach her transition to a new, at-home career with the same care and planning she would afford any job change. A solid foundation must be laid. Then if she chooses to become a stay-at-home mom, she can do so confidently and fearlessly, knowing it is the right move for her and her family. (Taken from "So You Want to Be a Stay-at-Home Mom" by Cheryl Gochnauer. ©1999 by Cheryl Gochnauer. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press, P.O. Box 1400, Downers Grove, IL 60515. This article may not be reproduced in any form without written permission from InterVarsity Press.)
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